Bad Backpacking Scenarios

Since being back in the states, aside from getting a job and working on PhD. applications, I’ve also been trying to catch up on movies. I must say, though, that it’s been a pretty arduous experience, because I can’t re-start my NetFlix account or go to the theater that much until I start my job on the 27^th of this month. Luckily, my friends and family have helped me through this dilemma, and for that, I would like to thank you guys for fixing me with your movie fixes. Without those fixes, the withdraws would have been much worse.

Of course, the first movie I saw was Turistas: a really bad horror movie about backpackers in Brazil who become unwilling organ donors. Yeah. It wasn't good for any of us who watched it, and it was extremely odd for me, after just coming back from a backpacking trip, to be watching a movie about a backpacking trip gone horribly wrong. Actually, it made me think of all the horror movies that I have seen of a backpacking, road, family, any kind of trip gone horribly wrong. Here are some classic examples you may remember:

1) Wrong Turn (2003)-A hiking trip goes horribly wrong after a car accident leaves 6 people trapped in the woods of West Virginia, which is inhabited by bloodthirsty, inbred cannibals.

2) Deliverance (1972)-Not necessarily considered a horror movie, but it's about a whitewater rafting trip that goes horribly wrong when "city boys" patronize vengeful, sadistic, possibly inbred "hillbillies."

3) The Hills Have Eyes (1977)-A family road trip goes horribly wrong when they take a "short-cut" off the main road and get into an accident that leaves them stranded in the California Desert. This part of the desert is inhabited by none other than a family of vicious, bloodthirsty cannibals.

4) The Hills Have Eyes (2006)-See above description.


5) The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)-A road trip across Texas goes horribly wrong when a group of young travelers embark upon a house inhabited by a family of bloodthirsty cannibals.

6) The Texas Chainsaw II, III, The Next Generation, the 2003 remake-See above description.

7) The Evil Dead (1981)-A trip to the isolated wilderness goes horribly wrong when five college students find and play an audio tape that unleashes evil spirits and eventually turns all of them (with exception of trilogy hero Bruce Campbell) into demonic, zombie-like creatures.

8) Jeepers Creepers (2001)-A trip back home from spring break goes horribly wrong for a brother and sister when a flying demonic, flesh-eating creature stalks them to the death.

9) An American Werewolf in London (1981)-A backpacking trip across the Yorkshire Moors goes horribly wrong when two American college students are attacked by an unknown creature--killing one of them and turning the other into a werewolf.

10) An American Werewolf in Paris (1997)-A backpacking trip through Paris goes horribly wrong when an American student gets bitten by his werewolf lover and becomes a werewolf himself.

11) Wolf Creek (2005)-A road trip through the Australian Outback goes horribly wrong for three young travelers when their car breaks down, and they get picked up by a vengeful "Crocodile Dundee" like character who, after feeling the travelers' somewhat patronizing attitude toward his stories, hunts and kills them one by one.

12) Hostel (2006)- A backpacking trip through Europe goes horribly wrong when a group of young travelers are lured into a Slovakian hostel that makes extra money by torturing and murdering young travelers for the amusement of rich business men.

13) Hostel II (2007)-See above description.

And the list goes on. There seems to be a certain message in these movies: Don't travel! Or at least don't be a cocky traveler. Apparently, being an annoying/naive tourist in horror movies can be just as dangerous as being a horny high schooler and/or camp counselor in slaughter movies. Still, writing about these horror travel scenarios makes me feel like some of my travel experiences were, well, somewhat boring. Unfortunately for those who are reading this blog, I did not run into any cannibalistic inbreds, vicious human hunters, demon-like zombie creatures, werewolves, or flying flesh-eating demons. Thus, in order to make my "less exciting" travel experiences even remotely as entertaining as the above mentioned horror movie trips-gone-wrong, I decided to spice things up a little bit. Enjoy:

Note: Though inspired by true events, in respect of the victims and their families, some names and circumstances have been altered.

1) The Drunken Rope Bridge Massacre

A trip to Northern Ireland's Carrick-a-Rede Rope Bridge takes a horrible turn when the tour guides are driven to insanity by daft questions about Steak and Guinness pie. They viciously turn on their tour groups by forcing them to drink pint after pint of Carlsberg through a beer funnel before leaving them stranded to walk the wobbly rope bridge on their own.

2) Demonic Horses

A peaceful trip to the Blarney countryside turns bad for a young family when once tranquil horses become possessed by an evil spirit the locals call, Blucher. Things take an even worse turn when the horses lure the family's impressionable son, Jimmy (Tippin Jonas Dakota), to their gates, sneeze on him, and cover him with Elmer's Glue. Jimmy is now left stuck--body and soul--at the crossroads between heaven and hell. Will Jimmy ever escape their evil clutch? Will Jimmy's family be able to save his soul before it's too late?

3) Pixies from Hell


A trip to a fairy glade turns sour when a group of young hikers get eaten alive by a family of inbred, cannibal pixies.

4) The Graveyard Shift


A trip for three young college students takes horrific turn when the ghost of "Bluidy Mackenzie" forces them to become actors who promote bawdy Graveyard Theater for the upcoming Edinburgh Fringe Festival.


5) The Curse of the Wishing Steps


A trip up the wishing steps takes a bad turn when a young female backpacker encounters the Djinn from Wes Craven's Wishmaster instead of the Blarney Witch. Her childhood wish of becoming an actress is horrifically granted by the Djinn, and she soon finds herself playing a non-starring role in Wishmaster V: Djinn takes Blarney Castle.


6) The Substitute 5: Hostile Principles


The Substitute is back, and this time he owns a hostel. Former mercenary Karl Thomasson (Treat Williams), upon forced retirement, leaves America to open a hostel in Ireland. Thomasson soon finds, though, that owning a hostel is not the peaceful job he thought it would be. As travelers frequently abuse his second most important hostel principle of not messing with the fire extinguisher, Thomasson finds himself questioning his most important principle of what not to do in a hostel--and that is, Kill Someone. How far will Thomasson go to put his principles in action? Will travelers learn to follow the rules before having to face the hostile consequences?



And...that's it for now. I know, readers. I know. You don't have to thank me.